6 min read

Welcome to The PEN Mondays! Let’s start your week off with a little pep in your step!

Ah, the classic dilemma: should teachers be friends with their students? After all, we spend hours together, sharing everything from stories to awkward silences when nobody has done the reading.

Maybe it seems like a good idea to be the cool teacher, the one who gets invited to all the inside jokes and follows students on social media. After all, if they like you more, they’ll respect you more, right? Well... let’s pump the brakes on that idea for a second.

First of all, let’s get one thing straight: your students don’t need another buddy. They have plenty of those. What they need is a teacher, a guide, someone to provide structure and (gasp) hold them accountable.

Sure, it’s tempting to blur the lines in the name of building rapport, but trust me, being “one of them” isn’t going to earn you their respect. Respect isn’t about being liked, it’s about doing what you said you would do and setting boundaries—two things that friends aren’t always great at.

THE FRIEND ARGUMENT

Let’s start with the “friend” side of the argument. Some teachers genuinely believe that forming close, personal relationships with students will create a bond that makes learning more effective. And yes, it’s important for students to feel supported. But, let’s not confuse being supportive with being a pal.

You see, friends don’t usually assign 10-page essays and grade them. Friends also don’t set consequences for turning in said essays two weeks late because someone was “busy.” Teachers? Well, we do. And that’s the point.

Look, we’ve all had that student who wants to tell us everything—their personal drama, the latest gossip, their weekend plans. And while it’s fine to show empathy and be approachable, there’s a difference between being a trusted adult and becoming a confidante.

THE POINT OF NO RETURN

The problem with crossing that line is simple: once you do, it’s hard to go back. Suddenly, you’re not the teacher who holds them to a high standard; you’re the “friend” who they expect to let them slide on late assignments or class behavior. And when you have to enforce a rule or fail them on a test, guess what?

Friendship doesn’t soften the blow; it makes it worse. You’ll have the awkward situation of feeling like you’ve betrayed your new "bestie," and the student will feel like you’ve turned on them. Everyone loses.

But here’s the kicker: not only does blurring the boundaries hurt your relationship with the student, it can chip away at your own self-respect. Why? Because deep down, you know that professionalism—setting boundaries, being consistent—is what earns lasting respect, both from others and from yourself.

When you start bending the rules to keep the peace or avoid confrontation, you’re not doing anyone any favoUrs, least of all yourself. It’s a slippery slope from “just this once” to “oh no, they expect me to do this all the time.”

And let’s not forget, there’s a power dynamic at play here. Teachers have a responsibility to act as mentors, not equals. It’s not about being above your students, it’s about maintaining the integrity of your role.

You’re the one guiding them, shaping their understanding of the world, and preparing them for life beyond the classroom. That doesn’t mean you can’t have fun or share a laugh with your students, but it does mean you need to set the tone for what’s appropriate.

BUT WHAT ABOUT BUILDING A GOOD RAPPORT WITH THEM?

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “But I’m young! I get them! I can still be relatable without being stuffy!” Sure, be relatable. Joke about how TikTok trends make you feel ancient. Share an embarrassing story to build rapport. But keep in mind, at the end of the day, you’re not their peer, and acting like one won’t help them or you in the long run.

The best teachers are the ones who are approachable and firm, who are caring and consistent. Your students will thank you for the structure, even if they don’t realize it right away.

They’ll appreciate knowing where they stand, knowing that you are reliable in your expectations, and yes, they’ll even appreciate the boundaries you’ve set when they look back. What they won’t remember? That time you let them off easy because you didn’t want to hurt their feelings. But they’ll definitely remember the lesson learned when you held them accountable.

In the end, your role isn’t to be liked all the time, it’s to be respected. And respect is earned through your professionalism, your consistency, and your ability to say, “No, you can’t turn in your project two weeks late because you were binge-watching a series.”

Your students may not like it in the moment, but they’ll respect you more for it. And so will you.

So, no—you don’t need to be friends with your students. You just need to be their teacher, and trust me, that’s more than enough.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

Would any of this work in your school? Have your admins tried something similar? What’s worked and what hasn’t?

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